“So you’re the new little cock sucker that’s been assigned here.”
When I heard this comment, I spun around to see who’d uttered those malicious words. When I did, I saw the new guard looking directly at me and smiling.
“Well, what do you have to say for yourself?” he continued. “I hear you like to mess around with other boys.” He paused and looked me over again before he continued. “If that’s the case, then you’ve sure come to the right place. You’ll like it here with all of these other boys and they’ll sure like having a new butt buddy around to entertain them.”
I was stunned not only by his comment, but also by the fact that he had said it in front of all of these other boys. My God! Was he setting me up to get the crap beat out of me or what? I couldn’t and didn’t respond. I just worked my way over to a bookcase on the far wall, pulled a book down from the shelf and pretended to read it. I tried, desperately, not to look at any of the others to see how they were reacting to the guard’s statements.
After what seemed like forever, we were told to line up. Before we were led out of the game room and to a large dormitory, with a row of cots going along each wall. After the guard brought us to this location, he pointed to a cot and informed me it would be mine while I was there. He also told me the locker on the wall behind it was mine to use during my stay and the place where I could keep all of my personal items. He then explained that my personal things would consist of my extra underwear and socks, soap and shampoo, toothbrush and toothpaste, writing materials, books and magazines, cards and games, along a few other things we were allowed to have. He said I would get a list later that would tell me everything I would be allowed to keep without getting into trouble.
I now understood that this particular guard was assigned to this group of boys and we were all housed together in this large dorm room. I quickly moved over to my cot and lay down on top of it, while secretly hoping the other boys would quickly forget about what the guard had said to me when I first joined them. I didn’t even dare to look at any of them directly, for fear they would think I was making a pass, because I knew it might cause at least that person to start pounding on me. Let’s face it. Most of the boys in here appeared to be older and bigger than me, so I concluded they could probably hurt me badly, if they wanted to.
Once we were all settled in, the guard went over and sat at a desk near the door and then the rest of the boys began to break into small groups to talk. Suddenly, this bigger guy came over to my cot and gave me a big, toothy grin.
“Don’t worry, bitch,” the boy began, “we’re going to take good care of you here and you’re going to have all the cock you want.”
His comment immediately frightened me, but I decided I should probably act tough. I figured if I took this abuse passively, then I might just as well paint a target on my back.
“Just leave me the fuck alone,” I stated, while summoning every ounce of courage I could muster. “I don’t plan on bothering anyone here and I don’t want to be bothered by any of you, so fuck off.”
“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that, sweetie,” he jeered. “You’ll be fucked off any time you want, and maybe some you don’t want as well.”
He started to laugh after he said this and then just walked away. Eventually, he joined a group of boys on the other side of the room and they kept glancing over in my direction, while also laughing at the same time.
My mind kept racing over everything that had happened to me so far, as I lay on my cot and stared at the ceiling, without focusing on anything in particular. My first hope was that the guards would be able to protect me, but after what this particular guard had said, I wasn’t very optimistic.
I stayed on my cot until I heard the guard order us to line up for lunch. I got in the line behind a couple of other boys and waited for the door to open. As I stood there, I felt someone behind me take his finger and try to shove it up my ass through the uniform. I quickly spun around to see who had done this and discovered the boy who had approached me earlier. He was staring at me, with another big grin plastered across his face. Fortunately, the door opened at that moment and the line started to move, as we headed out for our noon meal.
We were led to a location that was similar to a school cafeteria, except for the fact that there was a guard stationed at each end of the line. We were handed a tray, which we pushed down the line and stopped every so often to get our food. We would get a hunk of this, a spoonful of that and a splattering of something else. I flinched slightly when a spoonful of some unrecognizable food was unceremoniously slapped onto my tray by another young inmate who was working on the other side of the counter. At the end of line, I grabbed a carton of milk, a straw, a napkin and a spoon, before I looked around for an empty table.
The boy who had bothered me earlier and a few of his friends followed me and sat at the same table. They kept making kissing noises while we ate and then started to slide a finger from one hand in and out of their other fist. I had a good idea what it was supposed to mean, because it seemed fairly obvious under the circumstances. This just kept getting worse and worse.
The rest of the day went about the same, and once we got back to the dorm, I tried to avoid all contact with the others. Dinnertime proved to be almost identical to lunchtime and then we went back to our dorm for the evening. It looked as if we only got to go to the game room once a day, so this seemed to indicate there were going to be long boring spells when I was cooped up in the dorm room with this group. Maybe I could sign out some books and spend my time reading.
When we returned from dinner, there was a new guard leading us back and then he stayed with us, so there must have been a shift change. I hoped this guy was better than the last, but I didn’t have very high hopes. At 8:30 he announced it was time to start getting ready for bed, because lights out would be in half an hour. We all went into the communal toilet and started to wash up, brush our teeth and empty our bladders. Once we finished up in there, we went back to our cots, stripped down to our underwear and slipped under the covers. Day number one was almost over, so there were only 364 more to go.
The lights were turned off promptly at 9:00 and the guard kept his eye on us while sitting at his desk, which had a small lamp on it to provide him with enough light to work by. Some time later, I heard him unlock the door and leave the room, so he must have figured we were all asleep. Almost as soon as he disappeared, I began to hear some shuffling noises, which I figured meant some of the others were moving about the room, but I didn’t dare open my eyes to see what was going on. Instead, I decided it would be best if I pretended to be asleep.
Without warning, the covers on my cot were thrown back and then I felt several pairs of hands grasp a hold of me. I was then forced to get up on all fours on my cot and then a boy came in front of me, yanked on my hair, pulled my head up and shoved his semi-hard cock in my face.
“You’d better suck this, boy, and suck it good, if you don’t want to get hurt,” he commanded.
I knew he meant business, but I didn’t comply. I didn’t want him to think it was going to be easy to get his way. Seeing my reluctance, he slapped my face hard and yanked my hair again.
“Open up, cock sucker, and do me,” he ordered, “or you won’t be able to do anyone ever again.”
His threat scared me, so I hesitantly opened my mouth and he immediately rammed his penis down my throat. I didn’t fight him and merely let his dick stay there, but I didn’t participate. When he saw I was resisting, he started to fuck my face with his now hard tool and wasn’t being very gentle about doing this either. While this was taking place, I let my mind drift to other thoughts and did my best to block out what he was doing, because as far as I was concerned, it wasn’t happening.
This hadn’t been going on for very long before I felt someone else pull my briefs down. I could also tell that person was on the cot behind me, so I had a definite idea what he was up to. Without warning, he drove his stiff cock up my ass. He did it without any stretching first or using any lubrication. I felt the pain from my rectum being dry fucked and this burning sensation caused tears to start streaming down my face. I knew without looking back that it was the boy who had taunted me earlier that had just entered me.
After those two had dumped their loads into me, two more took their place. At least I was lubed for the second guy, even if it was only with the first guy’s cum that was currently leaking out my hole and running down the insides of my legs. Every guy in our dorm must have taken a turn, either in my ass or mouth, before I was allowed to lie down on my cot and go to sleep. I remained there, stretched out on my stomach and in pain, with a hollow and empty feeling consuming every fiber of my being, as I thought about what had just been done to me. I was silently weeping about the horrid, disgusting acts that had been performed on me, while trying hard to keep the others from seeing my pain and thinking me weak.
Yes, you read that correctly! Those were horrid and disgusting acts that I had been forced to endure, because there had been no love, no affection and no tenderness, such as I had always felt when I did them with David. What had been done here was just raw, animalistic sex or lust satisfied by an unwillingly participant. Now, I understood how others could think these acts were so vulgar and unnatural, because when done without love and caring, they really were.
I guess that could also be said about sex between a man and a woman too, because any sexual acts done in a loveless vacuum could appear to be just as disgusting. If the penetrant were solely focused upon the physical act that was being done, then it was no longer human. It was merely an animalistic instinct to provide one with a feeling they couldn’t experience any other way. It was the love and affection shared between two partners that lifted these acts above the animalistic and disgusting and made them wonderful and special.
The next morning we were awakened at 6:00. I was so sore that I could barely stand, let alone walk. I saw everyone else was stripping down and wrapping their towels around their waists, while holding onto the rest of their necessary items. Once they had their toiletries in hand, they stood in front of their cots, so I surmised they were lined up to go to the showers. I knew I had to do the same, so I removed my clothes and mimicked their behavior. I heard some snickering as I lowered my briefs and assumed my red, raw ass must have appeared quite amusing to those who had raped me the previous evening.
We were soon told to line up and then followed the guard to the shower area. It was one large shower rooms, like in school, and we went in and began to lather up. I selected a showerhead in the corner and tried to clean up while facing the wall.
“Hey, bitch. Don’t you want to see the man meat that gave you so much pleasure last night?” one of the others shouted, but I didn’t move or respond.
“Oh, look, guys. Our little whore is really quite shy,” he added. “Maybe he’s just pissed that we didn’t get him off while we were doing him. Is that it, bitch?”
I still didn’t move or respond.
“Come on. Look around and see all these sweet cocks that are all yours for the asking,” he taunted. “We know you liked them and want more. You know you want them too, so you might as well check them out. Come on, sweet cheeks, you don’t have to be such a cold bitch.
I just stood there and tried to ignore him, while wondering how long this treatment was going to go on. I was totally alone here and there was no one around to protect me if they decided to do anything else. Even when I had finished showering, I stood there pretending to continue to clean up until everyone else had left the shower room. Unfortunately, it wasn’t before my new ‘friend’ gave me one more parting shot before he left.
“Better get used to it, bitch, because you’re going to get the same thing tonight and every night thereafter, for as long as you’re in our dorm,” he threatened.
Great! Now, I could look forward to getting raped and gang-banged every night for a year. I guess it couldn’t get any better than this or could it? How in the hell was I going to survive a year here in this hellhole? I don’t think even Dante’s description of hell was as bad as this.
Once we had all finished, we were led back to our dorm and I quickly became accustomed to the steady pattern that was to be my life for the next year – no thought or enjoyment required. The only part of the day I started to enjoy was when we took classes, because they had a school here and we were required to attend and participate. Right from the start, the teacher seemed to take an interest in me, because I was bright and a good student. I learned new things fairly easily, studied hard and doing this took my mind away from the misery that was now my life.
That guy had been right. Some time during each and every night I would be visited by a group of my dorm mates and forced into having sex with them. I didn’t attempt to fight it, but I didn’t do it willingly either, and I certainly didn’t enjoy even one second of it. The number of participants changed every night and those who used me seemed to change each night as well. The lone exception to this was the one older guy who seemed to get an extra kick out of humiliating me. He made sure he was involved each night until he was released from the center, which happened the following October. Unfortunately, things stayed pretty much the same after that, even with him gone.
By August, the others started to take me for granted and left me alone during the day. It was about that time when a new boy was brought into the dorm. From the day he arrived, he seemed to gravitate toward me and selected me to be his friend. He was about my age, although a little smaller, and I could tell he was just as scared as I had been when I first arrived. He had red hair and blue eyes, which I thought was a strange combination, but he seemed like a nice kid, so I decided to give him a break.
“Hi, I’m Billy,” I greeted him. “What’s your name?”
“Justin,” he replied, succinctly.
“How long are you here for?” I followed, in an attempt to start a conversation.
“Six months,” he answered, dryly.
“Well, in that case you’ll be out before me then,” I quipped, which earned me a smile.
We didn’t ask each other what we were in for, because I guess we both realized it would be better, and maybe even easier, if we just didn’t know what the other had been sentenced for. I mean, what the hell difference would it make? We were both there for doing something wrong and each of us needed someone to help make his stay more bearable, so why shouldn’t we try to do what we could for each other? After about a week, Justin decided to ask me a question.
“Why do you let the other boys do those things to you at night?” he wondered.
I looked him in the eye, slightly unsure about how much I should tell him, but I decided to be honest, even if it cost me my one and only friend in this joint.
“Justin, I don’t let them, but it’s easier than the alternative. They found out I’m gay, which is one of the reasons I’m in here, after my lover’s father caught us having sex. The first day I showed up, one of the guards announced this fact in front of all of the other boys and that night they forced themselves on me. I have had those nightly visits ever since, and even though I don’t enjoy it, I’ll understand it if you want to join in and don’t want to hang around me any longer.”
Rather than wait around for that to happen, I stood up and started to walk away. Just as I turned to leave, Justin reached out and grabbed my arm.
“I don’t mind about any of that, really,” he offered. “I think you’re nice and I enjoy being your friend.”
I smiled at him and sat back down on the cot beside him. He looked relieved when I did this.
“Thanks,” I offered. “I’ll try to make sure you don’t regret that decision.”
He smiled at me again and we started to talk about other things. Justin turned out to be a really good friend, at least until he left, which happened shortly after my birthday in February. If it hadn’t been for him, I don’t think I would have gotten through several specific days, like September 2nd, which was David’s and my anniversary, Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve and David’s and my birthdays. Justin seemed to understand how much I loved David, although he admitted he didn’t think he could ever love a boy that way.
Justin, however, was able to comfort me when I started to get depressed, especially on those days from my past that triggered so many memories. He even met my mom when Mr. Gardner drove her out here to visit me for Christmas. Except for one other visit from Mr. Gardner, that was the only visit I ever got.
Justin never participated in the nightly visits to my cot though. I even told him he could, if he needed to get his rocks off, but he confessed he could never do that to me, unless he could do it in a loving way. I appreciated that and I told him so, although I was unable to fully explain what it meant to me. I never did anything with him while he was there, but his understanding and compassion about what I had to endure did far more for me than any love making session might have provided. Even though I knew he wasn’t gay, I still found myself loving and wanting him, but not in the same way or as much as I loved and wanted David. My feelings for him, however, proved to be an excellent substitute while my lover and I were separated.
Justin was also pretty good in school, so we sat next to each other in class and became study partners. We helped one another when we had problems and did a couple of research projects together. Don’t take me wrong, because this place was still hell, except Justin gave me a ray of sunlight to cling to in that dark, bottomless void.
As Justin’s release date neared, I started to revert back into my depressed state. He told me he lived about three hours away from here, but in the other direction from where I lived. For that reason, I knew we’d probably never see each other again after he was released, which only added to my depression. Beginning on the morning he was released, I spent the entire day weeping, while also spending most of it lying face down on my cot.
The funny thing was, I wasn’t crying for Justin, either. Those tears were shed for me alone and for the loneliness that was once again mine to bear in solitude. It felt as if I had just lost David all over again, although I only loved Justin as a special friend and there was no sex involved. Even though I didn’t love him in the same way or as deeply as I did David, it didn’t mean I was going to miss him any less.
For the rest of my stay, I had no one to talk to, no one to be close to and no one whom I cared about. I withdrew into a shell and vowed I would never again get that close to anyone else or allow someone to get that close to me, for as long as I was there. It just hurt too much once they were gone and I certainly didn’t want to hurt anyone else like that when I left. So now I was totally alone and on my own.
I mentioned earlier that I had had another visit from Mr. Gardner and that happened in late May, just before I was to get out. He showed up one day and I was taken down to a small, private conference room where inmates met with their attorneys.
“Billy, you know you’re going to be getting out of here soon and I wanted to come by to let you know what was going to happen next,” he began. “I met with the judge just the other day, so we could discuss your release. Your mother was also there and she told us your grandfather hadn’t changed his mind, but there was no way she could afford to move out and take you with her. I’m sorry, but you’re going to be placed into foster care.”
After hearing this, I merely sat there emotionless, too stunned to respond. I guess I had sort of expected this, so what difference could it make? It had to be better than this.
“Billy, your mother didn’t want to come with me today, because she couldn’t face you after letting you down like this,” he added. “I want you to know that she’s hurting about this too. She is filled with all kinds of guilt about the entire thing and blames herself for most of it. She loves you, Billy, so I don’t want you to think she doesn’t, because this has been hard on her too.”
He didn’t have to say this, because I didn’t hate my mother. I knew down deep that she loved me and I loved her too. I knew what it was like to feel responsible for someone else’s problems and blame yourself for them, because of what I felt I’d put David through. I told Mr. Gardner to tell her that I understood and still loved her.
“The foster home is going to be in a different town from where you lived,” Mr. Gardner explained. “The judge thought it might be easier for you to adjust back into a normal life, without having to deal with or face people from your old school. I offered to pick you up when you were released and take you to your foster home, so I could introduce you to your foster family. Your mother is going to send your things with me at that time, so you’ll have them at your new home.
I started to thank Mr. Gardner for everything he had done for me, but he told me he wasn’t quite finished yet.
“A few weeks ago I got a letter in the mail,” he explained. “Inside the envelope was a second letter in another envelope and I was asked if I would give this letter to you. It’s from your friend, David.”
I anxiously ripped the letter from his grip, as he handed it across the table. I immediately tore it open, unfolded the paper and began to read.
Please don’t hate me for not helping you and for not coming to see you. I still love you and I’m sorry about everything that has happened. My dad made me say that you stole my bike, so he could keep us apart. I didn’t want to do it, but he said that if I didn’t, then he’d find a way to make sure you got sent away for something even worse.
I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch with you earlier, but my dad hired this old guy to watch over me all of the time. He even lives in the house and has the bedroom closest to mine. The only way I could get this letter to you was by talking one of my teachers into mailing it for me. I miss you so much and I’ve been so lonely. It’s like I’m in prison too, except it’s in my own house.
Billy, I love you, I love everything about you and I loved every minute we were together. I’m also hoping we can find a way to get together again once you’re released. You’ll have to try to find a way to let me know where you’re going to be once you get out, so we can make plans to get together. I also heard about your grandfather and I’m sorry about that too. I love you, Billy, now and forever, and I hold my charms close to my heart every day to remind me of you.
Billy, please get in touch with me just as soon as you can. I need you and I want to feel your soft body, your sweet kisses and your gentle touch again. I love you, Billy, and I hope with all my heart that you still love me the same way you did before all of this happened.
With all my love to my special angel,
I folded the letter and put it in my pocket. Mr. Gardner then handed me his handkerchief, because I had been crying the entire time I was reading it. After he gave me time to compose myself, he said goodbye and signaled the guard to take me back to my dorm.