Major Family Parody

Major Family Parody

Author's Note:

Although the characters in this Short Story are from Art West's Major Family Stories and are used with his permission; their use or misuse is solely my fault. This story is a result of a dream and was the inspiration for the Parody Short Story Even. Thank you, Art and your characters, for their inspiration.

Most of the family was at a public swimming place when Ben slipped and did a belly flop of the low diving board. Chris dove in and grabbed Ben and then gave him to Noah. Once Chris was out, he laid Ben down on a towel and began examining him. Ben was giggling most of the time saying things like Dad that tickles. Chris then told Ben that he needed to look in his shorts and make sure that everything was okay down there as "you hit the water pretty hard, Ben,one and I need to make sure everything is okay down there. Can I do that?" Ben's answer was "of course Dad you're my Doctor."

Unfortunately, some idiot only saw Chris looking in Ben's swimsuit and went completely bonkers and called the cops. Chris and Noah were able to keep all of the kids although Chris did have to make a statement at the Police Dept. The DA declined to press charges as there was nothing to charge anyone with. Somehow charges were filed in an adjoining town and the court date had arrived. Rich was representing Chris and Julie was representing Ben.

During the Prosecution part of the case, Rich answered, "No questions your honour but I reserve the right to recall;" The judge agreed and when it was the defences turn Rich stunned everyone. "For my first witness, I call Benjamin Major."  The courtroom broke into chaos and no one could believe that a lawyer would risk his whole case on the testimony of someone so young. A lot of folks didn't think the judge would allow it. Ben was sitting there with a huge grin on his face and ignoring all the commotion. The judge banged his gavel about ten times and finally regained control of the courtroom.

"Rich are you serious you want your case to rest on a five-year old's testimony?"

"Your honour this isn't my idea it is all Ben's. He is absolutely sure that he wants to do so, and he has hired his 'Auntie Julie' to help. His fathers and his big brother Ken are all behind him."

"This goes against my better judgement but oh well. Master Benjamin Major will you please join me in my chambers?"

Ben raised his right hand.

"Yes, Master Benjamin what is your question?"

"Can I bring Auntie Julie and my big brudder Ken Mistah Judge?" Ben asked in his sing-songy voice.

"That will save us time so please Master Ken Major and Auntie Julie please join me and Master Benjamin in my chambers.

Approximately fifteen minutes later Ken and Julie returned to their seats and before they had regained their seats the Judge returned with Ben in his arms and took his seat.

"While this is very unusual, and I have already made my decision; in order to remove any doubts about my decision and remove any reason for an appeal; I will ask questions of Master Benjamin Noah for the record. Also, I will be the only one asking the questions and if the Prosecutor or Defense Attorney want to ask any questions they can write them down and give them to my bailiff. Now Master Benjamin is going to remain sitting in my lap, so he feels safe and secure. Before you object Mr. Prosecutor think very carefully as if you do I will announce my decision now and then have Master Benjamin's testimony read into the record."

With that, the Prosecutor sat down and closed his mouth.

Over at the defence table, everyone was smiling.

"For the purpose of the record Master Benjamin has asked me to call him Ben while asking him questions. Isn't that right Ben?"

Ben answered, "Yes Mistah Judge as I just be Ben no Master."

"Are you ready Ben to answer my questions?"

"I am ready as long as the magic lady be ready."

The court stenographer replied; "I am ready Ben and so is my magic machine."

"Okay, Ben please tell the court exactly what happened the day you did the big belly flop."

Ben told the court exactly what happened in his very own way and by the time he was finished the whole courtroom was giggling. That is except for the prosecutor whose face was as red as an apple if not redder.

"Okay, Ben now please tell the court who 'that bad man was who did those bad things to you' as someone has reported."

"Silly Judge that wasn't no bad man that was my Dr.;" was Ben's no-nonsense response.

"Ben, are you telling us that your Dad Mr. Chris Sargent is your Doctor?"

"Yeah and silly Dad Doctor he kept telling me everything he was doing, and he even asked me if he could look at my dinkie and make sure it wasn't hurt."

"Now did your Dr. touch your 'dinkie' with his hands?" A thoroughly bemused Judge asked Ben.

"No, he used one of them tongue thingies. I told him he din't have to, but he said he had to be pwofesial." Ben replied with a huge smile as he was really enjoying himself. In fact, he kept looking over at the Prosecutor who by now had buried his face in his hands and was sobbing away.

"I think you mean 'professional' right Ben?"

"Ya that's it," Was Ben's answer.

"Okay, Ben I have all the answers I need now you can go and sit with your family."

Ben gave the judge a big hug and then went with the bailiff's help to join his waiting family.

"Before I announce my decision I have a few statements that need to be entered into the record: First I had a long talk with Ben to make sure that he really wanted to do this and that no one was making him do it. He let me know in no uncertain terms that this was all his idea and no one else's! Next, I grilled his brother Ken, who assured me that his brother was tough enough and smart enough to do the job. I asked how he knew that, and I was informed that Ken had been raising his brother when his parents were busy and had been teaching him for years. I then asked his lawyer if she knew what she was doing and if she thought her client could handle the stress of the situation. This is what she told me - 'Ben grabbed my hand and dragged me into the hall gave me a dollar bill and told me that I was going to be his lawyer cause Uncle Rich was busy. He then continued and said, 'he wanted to make sure that everyone knew that his dad was a good guy, not some per..' he couldn't get the word out. I told him that I would help him if he was sure that was what he wanted to do. He said, 'he had to do it cause of all the good things his dad and daddy had done for him and other kids.' I told him okay I would be his lawyer." The judge paused a minute while he rearranged some papers.

"Before I announce my decision I want to thank Master, I mean Ben for his help in resolving this case." At the Judge's words, Ben's smile lit up the courtroom.

"Dr. Sargent please stand for the court's decision."

"C'mon Dad stand I be hungry and want to go home." Ben's 'whisper' was heard through the courtroom. Chris stood and awaited his fate.

"Dr. Sargent I find you guilty... of being an awesome Dad and Not Guilty of all charges you may take your family home. Now before I close this case there is some housekeeping I need to do. Mr. Prosecutor I find you guilty of Contempt of Court and malfeasance for bringing this case to court. Not even a flunking law student would have tried this case after interviewing the witnesses. I only let this case proceed in order to remove any taint from Dr. Sargent's name. I fine you $30,000.00 and sentence you to five days in jail. I will also be forwarding a copy of this case's transcript to the appropriate authorities. Case closed."


They all lived happily ever after, the Judge was appointed to The Supreme Court of The United States of America. The DA found a job as a janitor at Junior College Law School. Ben grew up to be a … If you want to find out what happened to Ben, you need to read The Major Family Stories by Art West on The Story Lover's Home.

Author's Note:

I hope that you enjoyed my first attempt at writing a parody, other than being woken up by Ben at 2:00 AM in the morning it was a lot of fun. Now if I can just get Ben to stay out of my brain I will be happy. I want to say thank you to Art West for allowing me to use and misuse his characters, I couldn't have written this story without his permission.

Please let me know what you think about my attempt at writing a parody by clicking on the following link ~ The Story Lover

Happy Reading,


Art's Note:

I do admit that this amused the heck out of me when I first read it. You all know how wordy I can get, but this is supposed to be a short story, so I’ll hold my tongue for once. I often in writing sometimes get my characters into some odd situations, but eventually backspace and get back to the story at hand, so to have TSL carry this out was very amusing to me, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Art

First Editor's Note:

I loved the parody. You seem to have caught the essence of Ben's personality at a tender young age. The prosecutor reminds me very much of a certain lawyer named Mary Pason.  I expected to see Franklyn Furter show up and lend a hand to Mary and her particular (dis)abilities.

Thanks, Story Lover for another look into the lives of the Majors.

Darryl The Radio Rancher,

Second Editor's Note:

Aww geeze. I was expecting the power-hungry DA, who was shooting for Attorney Generalship, to browbeat the witness (SVU style), get a shaky conviction (probably in the news first), and then produce a slew of other potential victims to parade in front of the court of public opinion. Thus making him a shoe in to win the Attorney General race where he would retroactively reinstate the death penalty for all crimes making him the darling of the new Oprah show and candidate for the upcoming presidential election. Uh oh, I'm ranting again…where is that lithium and Prozac hiding this time?